Pretoria is where fun goes to retire, or at least that’s what my Joburg friends tell me while they’re sitting in gridlock on the M1. They think it’s all government buildings, tan suits, and people who still use the word ‘kiff.’ They’re wrong. Mostly.
I’ve spent about fourteen weekends in Pretoria over the last three years. I know that sounds like a lot for a city that’s only 45 minutes away, but there is a specific stillness there that you just don’t get in the Sandton bubble. It’s a different kind of heat, too—stagnant, heavy, and smells vaguely of jasmine and old bricks. I like it. I like it more than I probably should admit in polite company.
The Hazelwood bubble and why I’m obsessed with it
If you’re doing a weekend getaway in Pretoria and you don’t spend at least six hours in Hazelwood, you’ve basically failed the mission. I don’t care if that sounds elitist. It’s the only part of the city that feels like it’s actually awake.
I have a very specific routine. I go to Culture Club. I’ve been there exactly nine times. I tracked my spending on their tapas and gin cocktails—I’ve dropped R5,420 there since 2022. Is it overpriced? Probably. Do I care? Not really. The lemon meringue tart is worth the mild financial ruin. What I mean is—actually, let me put it differently: it’s the only place in the country where the service doesn’t feel like a transaction. It feels like you’re just hanging out in someone’s very expensive backyard.
I know people will disagree with this, but I think the Village in Hazelwood is better than 4th Avenue in Parkhurst. There, I said it. Parkhurst is too ‘look at me,’ while Hazelwood is more ‘I have a trust fund but I’m wearing a R200 t-shirt.’ It’s a vibe.
Don’t bother with the malls. Menlyn Maine is a concrete nightmare. It’s trying so hard to be ‘green’ and ‘walkable’ but it just feels like an outdoor airport terminal. I hate it. I actively tell my friends to avoid it. It’s soul-crushing.
That time I slept in my car in Brooklyn
This is the part where I look like an idiot. Two years ago, I booked this ‘charming’ Airbnb in Brooklyn (the Pretoria one, obviously). The listing said check-in was until 9:00 PM. I figured, hey, it’s a weekend getaway, they’ll be chill. I rolled up at 9:15 PM after a long dinner.
The gate was locked. No one answered the phone. I called twelve times. I ended up reclining the seat of my Polo and sleeping in the driveway until 6:00 AM. It was July. It was four degrees. Pretoria cold is a specific kind of dry misery that gets into your bones.
The lesson here isn’t just ‘don’t be late.’ It’s that Pretoria doesn’t have that 24-hour hustle. When they say they’re closed, they are actually closed. They’ve gone to bed with a glass of brandy and they aren’t waking up for your R800 booking.
Anyway, I eventually got in, the shower was lukewarm, and the owner didn’t even apologize. I still think about that driveway sometimes. It taught me respect for the Pretoria curfew.
The part where I get a bit unfair about the tourist stuff
Look, if you want to see the Voortrekker Monument, go ahead. It’s a big block of granite. It’s impressive in a ‘we really like straight lines’ kind of way. But the acoustics inside? Horrible. If a child drops a coin, it sounds like a gunshot. I find the whole place deeply unsettling, and not just because of the history. It’s just too quiet. It feels like the building is judging you.
And the Zoo. I’m going to be risky here: The Pretoria Zoo is depressing.
I know, I know, it’s a national treasure or whatever. But every time I go, I just see a sad elephant and a bunch of people throwing plastic bottles into the enclosures. I refuse to go back. I’ve been twice in my adult life and both times I left feeling like I needed a long, dark shower. If you want nature, go to the Botanical Gardens or drive twenty minutes out to Rietvlei. At least the rhinos there look like they have a reason to live.
I might be wrong about this, maybe I just went on bad days, but I doubt it. Some places just have a heavy energy.
Where to actually stay (and what it costs)
If you have the cash, stay at The @Arbour or somewhere in the Old East. Avoid the big hotel chains near the highway. They’re built for businessmen who hate their lives. You want the guest houses with the high ceilings and the creaky wooden floors.
- Budget: R900 – R1,200 per night for a decent Airbnb in Menlo Park.
- Mid-range: R1,800 – R2,500 for a boutique spot in Waterkloof.
- Coffee: R35 for a flat white that is consistently better than anything in Joburg.
I used to think Pretoria was just a stopover on the way to the Kruger. I was completely wrong. It’s a destination in its own right, but only if you like things a bit slower and a bit weirder.
One thing that always gets me is the trees. Not just the Jacarandas in October—which are messy and make the roads slippery as hell—but the old oaks. There’s a street in Clydesdale where the trees form a perfect tunnel. I drove through it three times once, just because. It felt like being in a movie where nothing happens but the lighting is great.
Is it actually worth the drive?
Pretoria is like that cousin who finished a law degree but decided to open a pottery studio instead. There’s an underlying intelligence to the place, but it’s hidden under a layer of stubbornness and old-school habits.
I don’t know if I’ll ever move there. Probably not. The pace might actually kill me after a month. But for forty-eight hours? It’s perfect. It’s the only place where I can actually hear my own thoughts without the hum of a generator or a security patrol car every five seconds (okay, they have those too, but they seem less frantic).
Go for the food in Hazelwood. Stay for the weirdly aggressive architecture. Just make sure you’re through the gate by 9:00 PM.
Does anyone else feel like the air changes the second you pass the Botha Avenue off-ramp, or am I just imagining things?
Total hidden gem. Go now before the Joburgers ruin it more than we already have.